it never ends

Missing post

2006-07-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

When I post I do it through my handy dandy sidekick 3. Previously it was done with it's predecessor, hence the initial irregular spacing. I compose an email, address it to blogger and am usually too lazy to fix the word wrap immediately. I had an eloborate post a few days ago which never reached blogger it seems. It's been a very dramatic week or so. I lack the patience to adequately detail everything, my arms get achy from not using a proper keyboard.

Lake Powell was nice. I drove up midway which proved wise as everyone in camp (5 others) were violently ill. Before departure I finalized all of my Maui things, air, hotel. My birthday, 21, is precisely 2 weeks from today!

The Thursday before I left for Powell I took my summer school final (B+ in the class!) and got fired from a crappy bar I worked at. It was themed for a library (plaid skirts, thigh highs, mary janes) and though I wasn't proud to work there I knew working fall would be extremely profitable. They never said I'd done anything wrong along the way, Sarah said I looked great in attire and I had a great personality but I did this, that, and the other. I think someone wanted me out. I took it personally but that's only because I felt I wasn't rightfully done.

Then there's drama with J's psycho sister. She's a thief. When she moved here from MO she took my room (ok, it's her dad's house, whatever). This fact is intertwined with being a liar and it further complicates my life. Things she's stolen include, and are not limited to, shoes, towels, bedding, shirt, make-up, and underwear. Yes, UNDERWEAR! I'm talking Victoria's Secret booty shorts I bought with a matching cami for J. She has always denied, played dumb, and declared I said she could borrow. She has also stolen from the other roommate as well as her own brother!

So let's back up to before the underwear incident. Whenever J has to get up in the morning I usually sleep in. When I wake up, I leave. It's the norm. So early last week I did just that, woke up after he'd left for whatever he had to do. And I left. Mid-afternoon the psycho calls me and asks if I went into her bathroom (which I would do why?) and I said nope. Didn't need to, J has the master and, therefor, his own toilet. She then went on to say her shorts were missing, she'd taken them off that morning and left them on the floor. Nope, sorry, maybe they got mixed up in laundry? Well my lack of paying attention seemed to ignite her. I TOOK THEM OFF THIS MORNING, HOW WOULD THEY GET INTO HIS LAUNDRY.I said I had no idea and I'm sorry. She hung up on me. She later texted me throwing accusation of my dog eating underwear, socks, etc. This is false. She likes underwear only. I know this (aside from leather and cords, long lost bad habits). She said its all good. I said clearly not if she needed to hang up on me or even accuse me then change the story. If Scooter ate something I'd own up, I've done it before. That night, a Monday, I asked J if anything had been said about the situation, I wanted to avoid messiness and I figured the best way was open honesty.

He said she had blamed my dog for shitting on her shorts, which in no way accounts for how she had spoken to me. Between he and I couldn't figure out what she was asking/insinuating. We still have no idea whether she thought I stole them, took them to cover up my dog ruining them, or simply shitting on them. Over the next 2 days it blew up to an all out war. He knew I was being honest, 2 months into out relationship my dog was tempted by leather on his Guess watch. I replaced it the next day, exact watch and all. Plus, she has a history or dishonesty.

It turned bad quick. He said she had no right to accuse me of anything. She had come here late december and slept with most of the friends he's had since jr. high. She ruined those friendships yet he never said anything. It was in her best interest to not speak when she's the destructive one.

All this resulted in J deciding he should move out. She told him she never wanted to see him again. This is kind of impossible considering they live together in their dad's house. He said he was going to move out and possibly go back to California. I knew it was coming, but we planned to go together after graduation. All this knocked me right on over. Total meltdown. I'm good at freaking out.

Psycho told me to stay out of her way, she "never wanted to whoop some ass like yours!" Wednesday sucked and caused all this tension with J. We found out that night she has cervical cancer. I hate/love to say it but it's because she's a slut. Most likely because she slept with too many guys and contracted something that leads to such an outcome. I remember my gyn lecturing me on safe practices when I went in for my first PAP. It was a long time ago so I'm not sure if it's right. But I think HPV can lead to irregular cell whatever and can cause cervical cancer. So J and I felt immediately bad. I credited her craziness to anger at herself in the form of abuse to me. He assured me she JUST found out. She was a bitch on her ow free will. It was her get out of jail free card. We dropped the fight.

Thursday was a joke. I got into an accident and had no car. I called work and instead of acting how they usually for people who get into wrecks they said I needed to come in. Nobody was around and it's 114 out daily. I tried to get my shift covered and when nobody answered I called work again. They said they'd call too and then call me back. At five there was no call. I called them. They said if I couldn't be reliable they couldn't give me lots of shifts. So I hung up on the manager and walked 3 miles in the heat to work. Immediately he sent me home, suspended for a week, and back in the heat. There was no way I could walk another 3 miles, I would have fainted. So psycho picked me up. We were nice.

All Friday I felt sick from the dehydration. I solicited my dad for work (dead broke) and he had me vacuum the church he and my mom attend. 4 hours, 2 centipedes, and 1 stinky girl later I was done. Turned down his money. I'm stupid.

J and I were glad to let everything go behind us.Not for long! Saturday morning psycho texted J and I saying she knew we were awake (funny, we weren't!) and why did we throw "dirthy draws" on her pillow. Draws? Eh. Not the smartest girl. I'm still not sure what the text was about but I'm used to being confused by her. It turns out Scooter got to her underwear. They were Victoria's Secret. J gave her $14 but I quickly reclaimed his money and gave her my smallest bill. $20. I returned J's money and he asked if I got a look at the underwear. Said they looked like mine and she acted shady when he asked to see what my dog ate. I said I hadn't seen that pair in a long time, completely forgot about them. Later that night I confirmed they were mine. Mine are missing. And she's cheap white trash that openly has admitted to me she steals. She would never spend $14 on underwear. So I ended up paying her for stealing my things!

I'm still mad. Next time this happens I will destory her room and reclaim everything she has of mine. Or I can call the cops. Fucking bitch. I've tried to spare J here, the stress, the sides, but she's digging in my pocket. Who steals from not only a brother, but the girl said brother loves. It ruins everything. She's 20 years old and needs to grow up. NOW

the work situation

2006-07-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

So I've finally returned to work. Last night was my first one back. And I must admit I don't think I'll have many more there. One of the managers who I always got along with really well dug his talons into me at my suspension meeting. And I don't care for that place since he made it sound like I'm a burden. Funny, cause the other manager never wanted me to quit a couple months ago. They've never disciplined me before but he made it sound like I was a troublemaker. I don't need that.
So the new idea is to work at a dance studio teaching little children. I interviewed tonight and the 2 owners seemed very interested. They gave me the available schedule and said to call them in a few days. Mos def! Haha.
I have another interview tomorrow with a different studio. I'm optimistic. They start betweeen 20 and 35 an hour. Which means I wouldn't have to work like a slave during my heavy school session.
Which reminds me, I finally picked up a fifth class. I'm contemplating a sixth (the max). My last one is a shakespeare class. I'm not excited about it but it fulfills an upperdivision english humanities class. Fills several requirements. Alongside microeconomics, united states government, intro to journalism, and strategic pr techniques. Sounds interesting, no? I'd better not bore myself into an early grave. That's what I get for waiting so long to register. I just hope my econ teacher's first language is english.
I grocery shopped today. THIS IS HUGE. I'm scared of the grocery store. I can't just get 1 or 2 items. I always need foil, and salt, buter, milk, the works. I spent 28 today and save 14! I called my mom in excitement. My treat? Chocolate pudding I made and put into the mini graham cracker pie crusts. Haven't had that in awhile.
And tomorrow I am expecting a package from Victoria's Secret! 2 bathing suits and 2 tops. Hello Maui.

2006-07-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

So I'm back from Powell. I drove up halfway through and that proved to
be a wise decision. It turns out everyone got a really bad stomach
virus. I was there for 3 nights of pretty good weather. It rained one
night but it's much more pleasant than the hot stillness we usually
suffer through.
Entertainment included a few books (flowers for algernon, into the wild,
a million little pieces, scar tissue), watching my brother, 23, feed
blue gill fish spiders, throwing small pieces of graham cracker crust on
the ground in front of an ant in hopes of following ant back to hill,
freaking out as my mom killed a scorpion (impossible to kill! We had the
bugger split in half and he still ran around), and crying like a baby
when I saw my dad's 'do not resuscitate' necklace.
I did plan that damned Hawaii trip after all. Maui is the destination,
Lahaina. We arrive about 6 hours from our birthday so I have minimal
recovery time. Our stay includes 5 nights with no set agenda. Get drunk,
get tan, have a blast. Sounds good.
My summer school yielded a b+! Success!
July 13th was one to note. Brace yourself.
I left a candle in my car overnight (total brain fart) and when I went
to go tan that morning (ugly splotched lake peeling) I noticed a nice
ruby red puddle of wax in the passenger seat. I immediately turned
around back to j's to do damage control. He was leaving so I pulled in
the garage, thanks extreme heat, and began my cleaning.
Upon completion I was going to back out and run back inside to shut the
garage (I recently forked mine over to j's sister). When I backed out I
failed to recognize the proximity to the side of the garage. I kept my
leg out of the side of the car and put it in reverse. Oops! The door
crunched against the lip of the garage. Twisted the metal track and
inwardly buckled the strip of door around my window.
So j's sister called their dad since j had just left for school.
Everyone's disasters fall on his shoulders so I chose to spare him.
Their dad came and fixed the track, thank god. I called AAA to tow my
car to a body shop. Then the sister took me to said shop so I could sign
papers. All the while it's over 110 degres outside.

missing post

2006-07-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

When I post I do it through my handy dandy sidekick 3. Previously it was done with it's predecessor, hence the initial irregular spacing. I compose an email, address it to blogger and am usually too lazy to fix the word wrap immediately. I had an eloborate post a few days ago which never reached blogger it seems. It's been a very dramatic week or so. I lack the patience to adequately detail everything, my arms get achy from not using a proper keyboard.
Lake Powell was nice. I drove up midway which proved wise as everyone in camp (5 others) were violently ill. Before departure I finalized all of my Maui things, air, hotel. My birthday, 21, is precisely 2 weeks from today!
The Thursday before I left for Powell I took my summer school final (B+ in the class!) and got fired from a crappy bar I worked at. It was themed for a library (plaid skirts, thigh highs, mary janes) and though I wasn't proud to work there I knew working fall would be extremely profitable. They never said I'd done anything wrong along the way, Sarah said I looked great in attire and I had a great personality but I did this, that, and the other. I think someone wanted me out. I took it personally but that's only because I felt I wasn't rightfully done.
Then there's drama with J's psycho sister. She's a thief. When she moved here from MO she took my room (ok, it's her dad's house, whatever). This fact is intertwined with being a liar and it further complicates my life. Things she's stolen include, and are not limited to, shoes, towels, bedding, shirt, make-up, and underwear. Yes, UNDERWEAR! I'm talking Victoria's Secret booty shorts I bought with a matching cami for J. She has always denied, played dumb, and declared I said she could borrow. She has also stolen from the other roommate as well as her own brother!
So let's back up to before the underwear incident. Whenever J has to get up in the morning I usually sleep in. When I wake up, I leave. It's the norm. So early last week I did just that, woke up after he'd left for whatever he had to do. And I left. Mid-afternoon the psycho calls me and asks if I went into her bathroom (which I would do why?) and I said nope. Didn't need to, J has the master and, therefor, his own toilet. She then went on to say her shorts were missing, she'd taken them off that morning and left them on the floor. Nope, sorry, maybe they got mixed up in laundry? Well my lack of paying attention seemed to ignite her. I TOOK THEM OFF THIS MORNING, HOW WOULD THEY GET INTO HIS LAUNDRY.
I said I had no idea and I'm sorry. She hung up on me. She later texted me throwing accusation of my dog eating underwear, socks, etc. This is false. She likes underwear only. I know this (aside from leather and cords, long lost bad habits). She said its all good. I said clearly not if she needed to hang up on me or even accuse me then change the story. If Scooter ate something I'd own up, I've done it before.
That night, a Monday, I asked J if anything had been said about the situation, I wanted to avoid messiness and I figured the best way was open honesty.
He said she had blamed my dog for shitting on her shorts, which in no way accounts for how she had spoken to me. Between he and I couldn't figure out what she was asking/insinuating.
We still have no idea whether she thought I stole them, took them to cover up my dog ruining them, or simply shitting on them. Over the next 2 days it blew up to an all out war. He knew I was being honest, 2 months into out relationship my dog was tempted by leather on his Guess watch. I replaced it the next day, exact watch and all. Plus, she has a history or dishonesty.
It turned bad quick. He said she had no right to accuse me of anything. She had come here late december and slept with most of the friends he's had since jr. high. She ruined those friendships yet he never said anything. It was in her best interest to not speak when she's the destructive one.
All this resulted in J deciding he should move out. She told him she never wanted to see him again. This is kind of impossible considering they live together in their dad's house.
He said he was going to move out and possibly go back to California. I knew it was coming, but we planned to go together after graduation. All this knocked me right on over. Total meltdown. I'm good at freaking out.
Psycho told me to stay out of her way, she "never wanted to whoop some ass like yours!" Wednesday sucked and caused all this tension with J. We found out that night she has cervical cancer. I hate/love to say it but it's because she's a slut. Most likely because she slept with too many guys and contracted something that leads to such an outcome. I remember my gyn lecturing me on safe practices when I went in for my first PAP. It was a long time ago so I'm not sure if it's right. But I think HPV can lead to irregular cell whatever and can cause cervical cancer. So J and I felt immediately bad. I credited her craziness to anger at herself in the form of abuse to me. He assured me she JUST found out. She was a bitch on her ow free will. It was her get out of jail free card. We dropped the fight.
Thursday was a joke. I got into an accident and had no car. I called work and instead of acting how they usually for people who get into wrecks they said I needed to come in. Nobody was around and it's 114 out daily. I tried to get my shift covered and when nobody answered I called work again. They said they'd call too and then call me back. At five there was no call. I called them. They said if I couldn't be reliable they couldn't give me lots of shifts. So I hung up on the manager and walked 3 miles in the heat to work. Immediately he sent me home, suspended for a week, and back in the heat. There was no way I could walk another 3 miles, I would have fainted. So psycho picked me up. We were nice.
All Friday I felt sick from the dehydration. I solicited my dad for work (dead broke) and he had me vacuum the church he and my mom attend. 4 hours, 2 centipedes, and 1 stinky girl later I was done. Turned down his money. I'm stupid.
J and I were glad to let everything go behind us.
Not for long!
Saturday morning psycho texted J and I saying she knew we were awake (funny, we weren't!) and why did we throw "dirthy draws" on her pillow. Draws? Eh. Not the smartest girl. I'm still not sure what the text was about but I'm used to being confused by her. It turns out Scooter got to her underwear. They were Victoria's Secret. J gave her $14 but I quickly reclaimed his money and gave her my smallest bill. $20.
I returned J's money and he asked if I got a look at the underwear. Said they looked like mine and she acted shady when he asked to see what my dog ate. I said I hadn't seen that pair in a long time, completely forgot about them. Later that night I confirmed they were mine. Mine are missing. And she's cheap white trash that openly has admitted to me she steals. She would never spend $14 on underwear. So I ended up paying her for stealing my things!
I'm still mad. Next time this happens I will destory her room and reclaim everything she has of mine. Or I can call the cops. Fucking bitch.
I've tried to spare J here, the stress, the sides, but she's digging in my pocket. Who steals from not only a brother, but the girl said brother loves. It ruins everything. She's 20 years old and needs to grow up. NOW

The post-it declaration

2006-06-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

It said I love you little one. A blue lined post-it left on my tv the other day. It made my day, such a sweet nothing. I write short notes for him sometimes and on a couple occasions I've drawn a heart in lipliner on the mirror. But reciprocation is sweet.

I'm trying to give a little and pull back. Not go nuts.

My plans for the summer are as follows
Get a B in summer school
Declare my major
Find a position with a publisher

Go to lake powell, get TAN
Plan hawaii trip before powell trip
Go to the river at least once

Buy a bed (a nice, girly one)
Paint an accent wall
Get a vacuum

Have a fucking brilliant 21st bday

Hehe

2006-06-13T22:09:00.000-07:00

In search of a good book and an srp center. So to barnes & noble and the hispanic bashas' I go. I got my .40 byotch and a cabbage patch kid strapped to my stomach (in addition to the one on my hip, purse, and don't forget the 6 screaming in the car.) I prefer to have the windows fully up. Pollution these days. It's a killer

An assortment

2006-06-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm tryin here! I'm spending every night at my baby's again (which I LOVE) but though I get that comfort I need to keep it as such...comfort and not need. I'm a self help nightmare. Anxiety, depression, non-confidence. I'm working on the long term stuff (declaring a major, trying to get my foot in the door with any publisher willing to teach me, etc).

What's funny though is I'm not supposed to be feeling what I do. Every book I read tells people to focus on their individual self. I'm in college. I don't have a career, I rent an apt, and I'm between single and married. I'm in the middle so nothing seems appropriate advice to take.

I spent 2 hours today at barnes and noble. And I think I just may be too straight-forward with my relationships. I think games are for dating, not for longevity. But I think I may need to adopt...technique for keeping that fire lit.

I thought that after a year and a half games could cease because he hasn't freaked out and run for the hills yet. I figured I could throw myself to him and he'd be gentle, we're all a bit fragile. It's not that he hasn't been but I've put undue pressure on him. HERE ARE ALL MY EGGS, CARRY THEM IN YOUR BASKET AND DON'T DROP MINE OR YOURS. Shame on
me. I need to invest in him but carry myself.

A line from Closer is embedded in my mind. "I love her because she doesn't need me." This coupled with some reading today will hopefully have an impact on me.

I won't tell him I don't love him. But I don't fall all over myself to tell him 67 times a day.

If he hesitates to call when he specifies I'll do the same returning the favor.

If he pisses me off I WILL MAKE A STINK. No more will I allow myself to be a pushover. Most of the time it's trivial and dumb but if I never roll over and play dead he'll never be left not knowing my opinion. It's about respect.

I need to keep him a nice option, not an addiction or obsession.

I won't make myself revolve around him. We have crazy schedules but I won't drop my important activities (reading crappy magazines) to see him.

What's sad is I can't remember much productive alone time in the recent weeks. Nothing enjoyable by myself. This is the root of the problem.

Appreciation

2006-06-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

Singed ass hair. I had a nice little entry on my phone incomplete from a week ago. Slighty over. It was about jumping fences to my apartment pools, yes plural, in hopes of a cold soda. I prefer cans and individual ones. So beither the grocery store nor the gas station have what I want. Everyone sells bottles. Bottles are nasty. In my search of a machine that'd take my money I encountered an empty pool. Immediately I felt trapped in some horror movie. Girl goes out late at night (only 10pm really) for a random innocent reason. She remains uneffected by follower as she chats away reminiscing with an old friend, nicole, on her phone. Boom!- dead.

After giving up on the soda I craved panda express. Orange fucking chicken. I loaded up myself, my overnight bag, and the dog. I assumed I'd be going to my love's house after getting food. He should be off.
I drove to where I thought a panda was yet there was NONE! Fuck. So I went to cvs and bought a *cringe* bottle of Dr. Pepper and a magazine. I drove to a park near the mr's house and drove to the far end. I didn't want to look weird for going to a park at an obscure hour to read...
At the end of the furthest parking lot there was one of those hillish curbs. So I ran over it. I followed a dirt trail which runs parallel about 1/4 mile from a freeway. But I felt strangely alone. I gripped the steering wheel half expecting to come across a dead body or a dead beat.
The road opened a bit and strayed from its original direction. I drove carefully as far as I could. WHAT'S THIS?? It led to some highway looking road I'd never seen. I turned around and went back to start. I
turned yet again around not yet satisfied with my discovery. I'd stop at the strip
of open wide dirt and floor my car. I got a rush though it was pretty pussy. I drove back and forth several times and finally got off on the highway that I wasn't familiar with. Let to a nearby resort and casino. Niiiiice.

So I went back to the parking lot in hopes of finding another dirt road for my car. We weren't done, oh no no no not even close. I didn't find much. After a bit of mindlessly wandering I came upon a tunnel under the
interstate (perpendicular to the highway). The ground declined about 3 feet in a very short distant. And I couldn't see straight through the tunnel. So I defeated myself and left that adventure for another day.

It may sound a little offbeat but I had a marvelous time. It reminded me that I need more spontaneity. Yeah yeah I'm workin on it.

2006-06-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

Numbers define people. Age, income, physical appearance, contact, etc.
To those who can't count...you're straight screwed.

An ex

2006-06-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

I watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind last night. Though I
normally hate elijah wood he looks remarkably identical to an ex. Very
odd

Lists

2006-05-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

Bfs
Mario, brian, jeremy, jared, mike, jake, anthony, david, ryan, scott,
bonjerio, cory,luke, cody, joel

Jobs
Dad, target, buckle, ae, abercrombie, krispy kreme, charleston's, p.f.
changs, islands, ulta, fossil, carrabba's, the library

Moves
Home, adam's, home, moorings, the blasers', tim's, home, sienna, joel's,
home, los arboles

2006-05-18T00:16:00.000-07:00

I said man is the only 1 dumb enough 2 take a finite resource & put so
much reliance on it. Animals use natural material 2 live. We modify the
fuck out of everything & claim we're superior. We're ruining things 4
all life. Cuz when those glaciers melt & some land gets covered sewers &
fresh graves will spread disease in the water fucking remaining life up.
No man no animals. Doubt even roaches will stand. Animals can survive
natural disasters, they cleanse the earth. What man will do is all but
natural.

Bit o' honey

2006-05-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

I like putting them in my back pocket and softening them up a bit before
devouring

Bad night

2006-04-27T02:47:00.000-07:00

Waited hours for the call. None. Went crazy.
It's 232a.m. and I sit in my underwear and a wifebeater scarfing mint
chip and barq's. Eating like this won't make me lovable. Nothing will.
--emc

Rant

2006-04-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Why is lip gloss $22?

Noise

2006-04-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Loudness keeps my heart from bursting out of my chest. It comes in the
form of dvd's playing nonstop while I'm in this apartment. I know it's
pounding but if my ears are listening to something else the pounding
doesn't spread to my ears and throat.

Change

2006-04-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

I've moved out. He asked me to. We remain together. I received the keys
to my first ever 1 bedroom on april 4, last tuesday. Instantly I hated
it. It feels like a hotel room. Neat and lived in just not mine. I hope
this feeling subsides as I'm stuck here until next february. Joel has
spent every night with me. 2 nights here, 2 nights there. We still love
each other and we have more quality time now than before because we have
to go out of our ways to see one another. But all this activity has been
disgustingly draining emotionally. I choke on panic several times a
day.
Some of it is joel and some of it is me. I can't help but worry he'll
one day give his affections to a beautiful girl who deserves it. Someone
younger with more patience and longer legs. But maybe all of these
issues are formed in my mind. My whole life I've done nothing but
destroy...especially myself.
Lately I've come to the realization that too many years of being the
innocent girl among the pretty sluts has taken its toll. From the get-go
I've been drawn to the dangerous girls. First it was the ones who would
change clothes at school and swear. I watched heather and travis makeout
under a tree in 6th grade. Then I liked the ones who were serial daters
(as much as can be while under 16). They were the easy ones, snuck out,
no respect for parental advising, etc. I've always surrounded myself in
negative influences.
I let myself be stepped on and ignored. I had a very small calling of
boys. Nobody wanted ME and when they did romances were short-lived and
embarassing. I didnlt kiss. Ever. I was a loud-mouth shit talker but I
didn't know how to be at ease around boys.
My revelation was that I never dealt with the mild trama such girls have
caused. I am slightly smug everytime I hear so-and-so got pregnant or
what's-her-face is sucking dick for coke. As a whole they're faring far
worse than I. But at least they have satisfaction with themselves.
My insecurity regarding joel stems from the fact that, while I'm selfish
and whatnot, I don't truly value myself. I place my self-worth based on
other peoples ideas of me. But even when joel says I'm beautiful I turn
my head.
What I need to do is learn to love myself. In todays society we're
taught to fix pale skin with tanning beds or appeal to men with breast
augmentations and so on. Enhance this, plump that, conceal whatever. You
never hear MY GOD YOU ARE STUNNING THE WAY YOU ARE.
I'm on a journey to find my value. Find what people like in me and dwell
on it. I have pretty eyes you say? You're crazy...they're gorgeous. If I
could attain an attitude like that....maybe even a hint of
cockiness...itd be overall better for me.
Another thing I must keep in check is anxiety. March 29 I honestly
believed my heart was going to stop. This is bad. Unhealty. And scary.
I've found the problems, now I need to act.

I suck at life

2006-03-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

3/29/06. The worst day of my life. To hurt someone as badly as I just
have....it terrifies me. To the one I'd give my anything to. Only
recently have I discovered your true worth...which is more than anything
I could offer.

addicted

2006-01-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

about a week ago i found out. about a week ago my mind changed. and since that day my attention has been clouded. i realized i was obsessed while commuting from the Lot to my School on the college bus. i stared out the window and saw the college community. dorms and dred-locked street-walkers and 50,000 other students.

suddenly visions of deepened eyes and cracked lips filled my mind. thoughts of syringes and pills and the unknown made me choke on recycled bus air. i sat alone in the back and my stomache filled with fear. i was now sitting in anxiety's passenger seat and there's nothing i can do. i choked back tears and tried not to scream out in anger.

it's burdened my head and my daily tasks and i'm not sure how long i can hold out.

my friend is using. not just using herbals or alcohol or pills or heroin. but all of it. details are somewhat redundant at this time. he's using. and he's made me feel at fault. we've had AIM wars where i parent him and he refuses. refuses to tell his parents, refuses to quit his job. yet he splashed his myspace with "heroin addict" and blasted his last girlfriend all over a blog posting saying she was stupid with too many pimples and bad in bed. not a big deal for most people...but that is not him.

i feel like i was the breaking point for him. we were friends. and then i felt bad for my love and haulted the friendship. i knew he'd be jealous of matt and it wasn't worth it to me. i'd rather have my love than a friend. and that's when it apparently started.

i worked last night. inbetween opening the door for arriving and departing guests and taking names for our wait list we continued our never-ending AIM conversation. i kept going back and forth between wanting to see him and wanting nothing to do with him. a voice says forget this, put it behind you, live for yourself and let no one bring you down. and another says if you turn away from this you turn your back on yourself.

we texted. it went back and forth, my emotions ever-changing. he told me i made him feel horrible, like dying. he said dying was complicated but dying through a needle was simple and appealing.

quit your job
i can't, i'm a manager and they rely so much on me
so you'll risk your wellbeing for a JOB...

i told him a few days previous i'd visit him in rehab if he ever went. and later i told him to fuck himself for doing this to himself and his family. he has lost friends to drugs and it tore him apart, why would he make anyone else experience such pain. he said he'd just use pills for 2 weeks (to give notice) and then find a clinic.

heroin decided to visit me. i somewhat wanted to see him, in hopes that he wouldn't really be the wreck i imagined so vividly. but i knew anxiety would overwhelm me and leave me a victim of my unmoving body. i told him to stay away.

at 11 he arrived as i was ripping the daily special out of each menu. i turned around and looked at the door about a second before he touched it. my heart had known he was there, i felt death. i seated him and made small talk, looking past him until i excused myself. he ordered the cheapest menu item and minutes later i came back.

i finally looked at him. my eyes didn't want to see but i couldn't help but review every feature. sunken, hollow eyes, a face which has taken on new shape, and a completely new demeanor. he wasn't matt anymore, he was heroin. that's how he shall remain in my eyes. death and needles and heroin and someone so lost i can't wrap myself around it.

he sat with his hands together awaiting my attention. he weaved them together, dry and cracked. this is normal of guys. they work hard and their hands take a toll. he was nervous. he knew i would be taking in his every detail. despite the changed immediate and obvious to me what scared me more were those hands.

they were gray. no pink, no peach, no sign of blood flowing through his fingers. the wave came. i looked at his face. pale, he looked like a corpse. a baggy button-down shirt hid what i'm sure was now a whithered and bruised frame. the thought of track marks and syringes and desperation and the unknown made me cold. the wave came over me. and those hands held each other. he knew he was being judged. like a little boy waiting for his punishment he sat and watched me appraise him.

he's haunting and sad and hopeful i can magically fix him and i know this is too much. the wave comes down and i choke back tears. i say i need to finish my work and he stands to leave. as much as i wish i could have reached out to touch him and comfort him there was no way. we walk to the front and he asks for a hug. i oblige and as i hold an arm around him i'm afraid to put pressure on his body. i feel like he's going to turn to ash and cease to exist.

he leaves and i'm left in a sea of emotions i can't properly name. sadness, pity, anger. before he turned his back to me my eyes welled up and i let it come. i tried to return to finishing my duties but panic took its toll. i was antsy at his table, felt like i was going to have a heart attack. and after he left my body felt ready to let it out. i went in the back and stepped into dry storage. my face remained buried in my hands as the tears came...

i think it's best if we just stay really good friends

2006-01-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

so i don't know what gets read these days and i don't think anything is safe. i'd like to have my words out for strangers to read but i don't really care for people i know IRL to know the inner workings of my mind. i'm not ashamed of my thoughts but at the same time i don't think it's entirely appropriate for a good friend or significant other to know every crevice and thought. it's kind of backwards i guess but i don't have to see the strangers who read my words. i can read their blog/website/whatever and i can leave them nice little comments and such but i don't KNOW them and i don't have to deal with them in person.
anyways i know he's is still snooping. i slept on the couch one night because i was having severe anxiety attacks and i went from my bed to the couch to the bed to my car (where i screamed my face off) and back several times. i asked him to hold me and he half assed it which in a sense made my situation worse. but there's not much you can do for a person with anxiety. i woke up in the morning to the sound of my phone opening (i'm that fined tuned these days to snooping sounds). when i checked my phone i knew he'd tampered with it. i keep it on a security lock. i don't like people looking through my things boyfriend or not. i haven't done anything wrong and i have nothing to hide but i've proved myself for over a year, he needs to get over this habit. he's making me feel like i'm the guilty (which i'm NOT) or like he's insecure because HE'S guilty.
so a few days ago i told him i'm moving out. on good terms. it'll be better for us. i'll live like 2-3 miles away so distance won't be an issue and i'll be able to having something ME instead of US. us is ok but not everything can be that. he needs something his own and i do the same and it's hard when you share a life. we need to share moments while we're young, not an eternity.
anyways i'm moving and i hope for the best. the best for him and the best for me. hopefully that'll result in the best for US. anyways i won't update often and don't expect tons of details. i can't trust he hasn't seen this but Babe, if you're reading this...next time you snoop we are done. it's gone on too long and it makes me feel nothing but bad.
so there. i love you

down we go

2006-01-04T16:49:00.000-07:00

as soon as one bad thing happens others are bound to follow. no job. no sense of importance due to lack of job and school. realizing he is too good for me because he goes to some fancy expensive school and works at a really fucking nice restaurant. GETTING MY BRAND NEW CAR FUCKED UP. i went outside today as he and i were getting ready to go to the mall (so he can lighten the load of his waller on new shoes, pants, hat, etc, blah blah blah) and i noticed my car. it had a dent in the passenger side door. no wait...2 dents. oh and there's another one. and scratches! chipped paint! FUCK YOU! it looks like a white car somehow t-boned my car...how? i guess it doesn't really matter how or why because the who didn't leave me their calling card. some immature fucking jerkoff hit a brand new car and peaced out. leaving me jobless and unable to pay a deductible. what the fuck. someone doesn't deserve their license. and if i wanted dents, scratches, and the works i'd have kept my old beat-to-shit truck.

WHY

small update

2005-12-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

so i've lost too much time to recap events. it's a little complicated. but it's really not. nothing that truly MATTERS has happened, i've just allowed myself to become over-emotional, this is not the first time.
so as of right now i'm unemployed. i screwed myself over. i didn't know i was scheduled for tonight so i didn't go. the same thing happened last week. this is hat happens when the holidays roll around and manager screw with the schedule. i get shifts like i'm their bitch and as a creature of habit i mentally block out the changes. i've wanted to quit for months now. i just haven't had it in me. and i don't want to give them an excuse so i can just stay there and remain unhappy. tomorrow i will go apply for a new job. i don't know where and i don't know what i want to do (serve, retail, bank, etc) but hopefully i'll get this figured out soon. this wouldn't be an issue for me, i have a pretty extensive job history despite i'm only 20. the problem is that i don't know my availability. school starts in a few weeks and since i don't have my classes figured out i don't know which day and evening i will have open. and i can't register until i get my immunization waiver. i can't get my shot (phobia) and so i have to discuss my "philosophical beliefs" with the dean of students before i arrange me classes. i did get money for christmas but i guess this year wasn't so hot for my dad so i didn't get as much as normal. which is fine, i'm grateful for what i did get but i kinda wish i didn't put myself in a situation to be jobless. my heart and my mind isn't at that restaurant anymore so i guess it's all the same. i do feel guilty however.

Christmas

2005-12-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

Notice the lack of merry. You know you've got issues when christmas ends
up being one of the saddest days of the year.

And I don't say this because I didn't get more than I hoped. Cause I got
spoiled more than I deserved.

moving

2005-12-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

his sister has finally decided to move here. really move here. so he approached me about it today. he said he wanted to let me know and ask if i wanted to keep my room or move back into his and share again. at first i was very against it. yes, at one time we'd shared his room, his closet space really, but during this time i also had an apartment and this is where the bulk of my belongings sat. now i have no apartment and i told him there was no way our things can all fit in his room. he said he'd move some of his things out and i wouldn't have to pay rent. that'd be 450 extra in my pocket each month.
i love the idea of having 450 per month extra to spend on whatever my heart desires. the truth of it though is that's my parents' money (college fund money) for RENT. at first i thought of what i could do with such an amount of money. i could pay off my credit cards, buy new clothes, etc. now i realize it's a very dishonest thing to do. it's not something i think i'd want to live with. so either i can move into his room and be dishonest or tell my parents and listen to the tone of disapproval in their voices.
what i want to do from here is just not say anything to my parents and have his sis move in. after a few weeks i'll tell him it's just too much and then i'll tell my parents the situation. i'll use their disapproval to rid myself of this house in a way that's not hurtful to him.

more more more drama

2005-12-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

tuesday my heart broke.
his NEW car broke and i offered to let him use mine monday. i knew he had the snooping tendencies and i also knew i had an old love letter in the trunk of my car. so i took it out to save him from just hurting himself. i put it in my apron (i came home from work in my work clothes). i changed and thought no more of the letter.
tuesday morning as i was getting ready for school i noticed my apron on the floor and made a mental note to dispose of the sensitive paper asap. i left that morning forgetting all about my mental note. i went to my first class and as i sit in front of my second i received the text. it said some how i've found out about your second boyfriend and i'm not too happy right now. at that my heart sunk and i felt slightly like throwing up.
i left where i was sitting and headed home to straighten everything out. i remembered on my way home that this particular class period happened to count for HALF of my "final project" grade. SHIT. our finals are presentations and although i wasn't presenting on that day attendance was a requirement. She didn't want some people to speak in front of a full class and the last people to speak with only 5 viewers and such.
i called my teacher's voicemail and left a message.
then i went inside. i genuinely thought we were done right then and there. he thought since i'd had a loveletter in such an open place it was either new or highly valued. he asked why i'd carry around a letter from someone else. i told him i didn't want him to see it and get upset over nothing. everything worked out just fine. but it freaked me out so bad i stayed emotional the rest of the day. i could NEVER.
i made it back to school by the end of that missed class period and told my teacher the situation. she laughed and said even she'd kept loveletters from high school. it's a girl/ego/it's-not-my-fault type thing. i kept the letter to prove to myself i wasn't the reason for the break-up. i'd beaten myself up over it and now i had in writing him begging to have me back. that's it. i don't love that guy, i just like that it said nice things about me.
before i went back to class i burned the letter. i know someday i will regret this. i did it to make a point to him.

where's my damn cane, the one with the pink tassles??

2005-12-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

ok so on thanksgiving i threw my back out. i was at my buddy desi's apartment getting ready to crash out on the floor of her brother's room. her parents were in her room and she didn't want me to have to sleep on the living room floor. so instead she kicked her bro out of his room for MY sake and she ended up getting the bed, big whoop. actually i find it funny because i'd be weirded out were my brother to sleep in my bed. i'd rather have his friend. i wouldn't have taken the bed anyways, i felt awkward enough being in another guy's room to sleep eventhough he wasn't around. anyways i laid down and remember i'd left my water downstairs. so i got up. and without so much as a pop, crack, or anything i stood up only to have to grab the wall for support. my back, left of my tailbone shot pains all over. it was quite unexpected since i'd done nothing out or the norm. i stood for awhile grimacing and decided not to get my water. des asked me about what i was bitching about and that was that. i went to bed.
black friday i had some pain and it lasted through the week-end. monday was especially bad. i couldn't squat at my work when i needed dressings etc from below. i called me dad and he said i should either go to my primary care dr or a chiropractor (weird advice coming from a dr who has never shown faith in the field of back popping).
monday night i got up from bed and headed for the bathroom only to take a nasty fall over one of his 3456lb shoes. at first i wouldn't get up. i felt like my hip tweaked out of place and my knee hurt. he wanted to call for an ambulance because i was freaking out. i was scared to move because the manner in which my body fell seemed very wrong. eventually i got up and had to rely on the wall (again) for support. my hip was fine but felt all wobbly like it'd be knocked outta place or something. i knew i'd feel just fabulous in the morning.
surprisingly my hip didn't really hurt when i woke up. BUT GOD DID MY FOOT. when i'd fallen i'd rolled me foot so all my toes got curled up more than should be. i hadn't taken note at the time because i was worried about me hip and, in relation, it didn't seem bad. but in the morning it was stiff and sore and i was hobbling around. i was a mexican girl with a mean ganster walk. limp sounds wimpy and old.
i went by his office that morning and my dad gave me the info for a chiropractor in his complex who he felt would suit me. (we agreed i'd skip the primary because i hate pill regimines and that's what my doc would have most likely done, given me pain killers and said take it easy. but i loathe pills. unless i've got the flu or killer pms i steer clear of pills). he told me they had appointments open for that day but to swing by and fill out paperwork. so i hobbled over and started filling out forms. i wanted to get that outta the way since i had a few before class. before i knew it i was in exam room 2 answering questions getting an ant-bite massage and then a massage therapist massage. then the popping came and i was late for class.
i'd never experienced getting adjusted and although i was scared it actually went well. he did three things to my back and in the process of the second two poppings i was laughing hysterically. for some reason it seemed to me quite funny.
i left and went to school and did all that fun stuff. i had picked up a night shift and tried desperately to get it covered, my foot wouldn't allow me to walk any faster than a sloth moves. no use! nobody could/would. after all the bitchwork and extra shifts i've covered for people it comes down to the fact that they all forget. i didn't have a hangover, i didn't want to be lazy, i wanted to relax my fucking foot! but i should have expected what i got that day. i rolled into work at 5 and served my sentence. when i was clocking out my manager offered to buy my dinner because she said she knew i was in pain and not feeling the best but she was glad i'd done my best. so i grubbed and patted myself on the back for being such a big brave, grown-up-like girl.

thursday i got adjusted again and my shooting pains are gone. my back is even a little more loose because he didn't have to try 2 methods for fixing my upper back. i go again next tuesday and i'm excited because i like the 10 minute massages i get before i get cracked. or and my foot feels pretty much better. it's a little sore and my baby toe is popping an awful lot but i can walk without looking TOO ghetto now.

i must mention this because it made my day thrusday. i went into my dad's office before my appointment to eat my quizno's and read my new book. the nurse brought a patient back to where i was (and the rooms and all the jazz are) and i look up from my mess and she introduces me as the doctor's daughter. i know i'm not looking too shexy with meatball hanging out of my mouth and green stuff stuck in my teeth but i waved. and the cute little old man, bless his heart, said "you're absolutely beautiful, you belong in movies!" it was the sweetest thing and i almost started to cry. it was a simple comment someone made just because they could. and right then i felt wonderful. there's nothing like nice words from someone who has no reason to say such things. they're unexpected and that's even more sweet.
i want to find out who that old guy was and tell me dad to thank him for me because it really touched me heart.

when i grow up

2005-12-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

i want to work in marketing and do pr, i want to be an event planner, and i want to make at least one paycheck on ebay. oh and while we're at it i want to either take classes for massage therapy or bartending. first i had no idea and now i have too many. us ENFP's are like bitches with ADD and on crack with redbulls strapped to our hands.
this is why it's taken me so long to get a serious idea. it's scary to think of confining myself! ack

post-fight

2005-11-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

saturday i woke up late. i missed the mandatory store meeting and woke up about 10 minutes before my scheduled shift. i called my manager and told her i wanted to get there and talk to her in person. i rinsed off in the shower and didn't bother with make-up. all the product in the world couldn't cover up the bags of my eyes. swollen, droopy, and red. i walked in about 15-20 minutes late and started to change. a manger knocked on the door and told me to stop. i was sure i was about to get fired.
i went into the manager office where she and the general manager, a woman, waited on my excuse. i told them what had happened and started bawling all over again just thinking of what had happened. despite the fact that everything seemed like it'd be ok i was still really freaked out. they told me to go home and rest. the first manager asked if i was moving out and offered to help me do so after she got off. it's times like these when you know you have a special manager. someone who is willing to help you outside of work when they have their own family to tend to.
i told them i worked at night and that i'd make it. i needed to rest and eat and have a little time to calm down. i felt really bad but i couldn't have realistically worked in that moment. they offered to get my night shift covered but i said i'd be ok. i didn't want to completely fuck them over.
so i ate and slept and went back to work several hours later. everyone knew i was missing fromt he meeting but word had gotten out that something bad had happened and i was almost taboo to talk to. which is good and bad. i would have talked to a couple of my friends and felt better but the rest would have set me back in tears. when the wrong people ask the wrong question it's like picking a scab, it'll only result in more pain. so i was a loner and that was pretty much ok. it's best that i was allowed to be in my own world with tables full of strangers and nothing else. i really expected everyone to give me shit for being a no show. but nobody said anything and that's best. NO i'm not above coming to a meeting, shit happens. i know it sounds very weak of me but that's ok. we're all allowed to have a time in our lives when people know we do have personal issues and they can't always be checked at the door.
i should mention that he woke up with a killer hangover and got sent home from work because he was throwing up. sunday he got sent home because the managers found out he was hungover, not sick. it's his fault and fingers can't be pointed anywhere else. good thing it's the first time that's happened or he'd get fired.

a lesson in liquor

2005-11-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

so this week-end is one that i don't soon think i'll forget. and not for a pleasant reason. he and i had it out like the gates of hell came crashing down and every evil word in existence came out of out mouths. i've never fought like that, especially with him. we thinking screaming and such it ridiculous because it accomplished nothing and the things said in that tone of voice are never genuine. it's overly emotional.
let me start with the beginning. thursday night i needed to stay up all night again to work on more homework. the assignment was to read cold mountain and write a 5-page review. to go along with the text i rented the movie. i had the book slightly over half read and figured i could stay up reading and writing (the paper was due at 2pm friday). since i'd already made him watch this rather boring/girlie movie i figured i'd see if des would watch it with me. she accepted and told me to come over to her house and she'd stay up as late as possible. so then i told him where i was going and figured he'd have to go to bed soon anyways (working a double) but to call me before he did. i said i'd most likely not be home right away unless des crashed. and then i left.
PLEASE NOW REFER TO DRAG RACING POST FOR WHAT HAPPENED FOLLOWING THIS CONVERSATION.
welcome back.
des and i got to her apartment and put on the movie. we had snacks, cigarettes, and beverage...we were ready. about an hour into the movie we were very, very sleepy. we agreed to a 30 minute power nap and crashed, not before setting an alarm though. we hit snooze about 30 times and before you know it it's 9:45 and i'm yawning and rubbing my eyes. i noticed the time and started freaking out. he knew i'd be late but didn't expect me not to come home. so i left RIGHT AWAY, i felt so bad.
i came home just in time to see him off to work and apologized for (possibly) worrying him. i promised we'd spend time together that night and go to a movie.
when he returned home from work i was amped up to make up for the previous night. he had something else in mind though. a friend of his from work had free tickets to a basketball game, suite tickets. everything would be paid for. so i said alright though i couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice i know. he said he'd be back around 9 or so. so i went to work and got my paycheck and nibbled on some food and called people to make plans. i went to an old friends house for a little while and headed home around 8:45 to greet him. i waited and i waited and i wanted.
then i got bored. my roommate and i went to desi's casa dn picked her up. when we got back to our house i was feeling tired so i went to bed. i wasn't asleep yet when he stumbled in the door. i wasn't awake either. he yanked the sheets back not knowing i was there and it almost literally scared the shit right out my ass. i was like OHMYGOD and he let go of the sheets and walked off. he thought i was mad. not so much. he started telling me about his night and how he got plastered at the game and the guy he was with took him places after it ended. he didn't remember going there just coming face to face with bouncers.
before i let him tell me the nitty gritty he'd relayed to me he drove home intoxicated from a place further than just around the corner. i told him it wasn't a great idea to have done that seeing as how i got pulled over and was ticketed. i am aware the reasons were quite different but still, it should have been a sort of warning to him. he never drives impaired so if he's thinking of doing so it's a little fishy that he would right after i have a run in. i wasn't being mean or even lecturing really just stating the obvious.
apparently this just set him off in a frenzy. he started getting like men do. he's non-confrontational and usually pretty mellow but you get enough alcohol in anyone and give them a shitty evening and almost anyone will start to lash out. and he did. he started saying things like, oh so just because YOU got pulled over for drag racing I need to be careful. YOU, YOU, YOU??? it was a little odd. from the moment it all started i was completely lost. he started telling me i was attacking him and what not after he'd had an evening of harrassment. and just like that the worst fight i've ever had with a significant other began.
he was completely obnoxious and didn't listen to a word i said. i told him i was freaking out because i had no idea how everything started and escalated so quickly. we've never fought like that so i was completely unprepared. after awhile of us really not listening to each other i told him to leave me alone and go to bed and sleep it off. i didn't want to argue especially under the influence of alcohol. that didn't settle with him. he kept at it. he had a glazed over look in his eyes, a look that viewed me as an enemy not a love. i think that's what scared me the most. he almost seemed as if he didn't know me.
he slammed doors, kicked things, and came in my face doing almost a drunk dance waving his finger in my face. i told him we needed ot sit and relax and get a grip. and i think this only pissed him off because it was something one is more likely to say to a child than a boyfriend. finally i got fed up and started yelling back, talking in a normal tone had no purpose. nothing was absorbing. so i mocked his little dance and screamed and waved my pinky in his face to show him it was a little creepy. and that did nothing, of course.
at some point everything starts to mesh together. i don't remember every single detail because it was one big tantrum. i tried to be rational and calm and that did nothing so i got impatient and made the fight worse. i screamed alongside him and started telling him how he didn't love me anymore and how he couldn't ever give me a shred of attention in the presense of others and how sometimes that made me feel like he wanted people to think i was his sister rather than girlfriend, like he didn't take pride in me. i know he's a much more quiet and introverted person...it just makes me sad. after he told me he gets really self-conscious around other people i had to say something. i retorted with something along the lines of, well i'm self-conscious too, very much so, and if my own boyfriend won't even hold my hand in public how do you think that makes me feel about myself.
then we got into the fact that i talk to my ex. i understand his jealousy. i would be too. everything i defended with i would be hurt by if i were told this. he and i were friends for years and i thought of him as a friend, nothing more. we never had sex, i wasn't really attracted physically to him which is the complete truth. then that got us on the topic that he has been peeking through my phone again. he says he trusts me yet why does he still look? i put my phone on security because i don't trust him. i haven't cheated on him and i haven't wronged him but sometimes my friends from work will write, hey sweetie, and honestly i think he would be upset by it, no matter the person. i do it so he won't spy and make himself upset over nothing. he then asked how long i'd been talking to my ex. i said he'd changed his number umpteen times and finally a couple months ago he texted hello to me and we'd been casually chatting since. nothing bad, just the hey how's the fam, what's new, hope everything is well thing. there's nothing there and there never will be. i know i'm wrong for talking to him but it is innocent. i am a hypocrite. i wouldn't want him to talk to his ex and yet here i am. he said he never talks to his ex's and i told him i knew that and that was because he hated them because they all cheated. my ex hadn't cheated, we just weren't made to be happy together. that wasn't enough. and i feel really bad he thinks i was hiding this from him. i just didn't want to cause him undue hurt. and it bit me in the ass.
some time in the wee hours of the morning he was starting to calm down. i suggested we lay down and relax and talk about what's on our minds and reassure him i was in no way attacking him. i was glad to have the fuck you's stop. i was scream-crying. it was such a bad situation and i hope we never go there again. i'd like to say something was accomplished from this but nothing was. part of me wishes we could have ended with the fuck you's and started somewhere new with less complications. but that never happens. and i still love him madly. it's just that we're so young and we're both stressed. he broke down in tears finally and said he can't handle things right now. school and work are too much. he goes to art institute and that place is very demanding. he's trying to maintain work and it just gets to the point there you're just like, where is ME?? i know this feeling and once we saw eye-to-eye on this we relaxed.
we went to bed and said our i love you's and i apologized for talking to my ex and told him it really was nothing, just someone whom contact is made with every so often. you can't just rid yourself of someone who was once such an influence. but i haven't done anything wrong and i truly hope he can believe this of me. he doesn't need another girlfriend he gives his heart to just to be cheated on. around 4 we finally got tucked in and passed out. i'm glad to have this behind me.
there's a lot here missing that i wish to write down for personal reasons but i've already written more than i think i'm comfortable with as well as you probably are.

a citation

2005-11-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

i will start off with this. i'll add details later but for now this is it. last night i almost got arrested (yikes) for drag racing (my freaking girlfriend) but i got off with a CIVIL ticket and not a criminal one. my partner in crime, however, got 3 citations. and somehow it seemed funny about 30 minutes later. i was in tears from my fits of giggles. usually i'd say shit, shit shit!- but instead i'm saying thank god i didn't get cuffed! the glass is half full?? :)

on a lighter note

2005-11-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

needless to say i was in meltdown mode earlier this week. i thought of deleting that last post shortly after i wrote it. it's irrational and overly-emotional and completely childish. but it was a strong feeling i had and good or bad i think it deserves a place like everything else. it's safe to say that i need changes in my life. and when i want something i want it. i wanted to get out. right then. no shit. but what doesn't always occur to me right away is how hard things may be sometimes and life isn't going to hand me opportunity after opportunity. i need to make my own opportunities, not expect them to miraculousy materialize.
wednesday was an interesting day. i studied from about 3pm until about 6am thursday morning. i had a geology test, 4 chapters. i haven't gone to one class since the last test so i had to start from nothing. i drank diet coke, redbulls, smoked 3 cigarettes, and went to einstein's as they were opening. i sat in front of my geology class door twitching as though i were on some crazy drugs. i was tapping and fidgeting and i had intense adrenaline. i was nervous to say the least, i needed a damn good grade.
i took my test and am pleased to say that i aced it. i haven't gotten my grade back but i KNOW i did extremely well. did the extra credit essays and all. i'll be shocked if i didn't get a 95%. this is great news for a class i've not done so well in up to this point. cramming works kids, don't listen to teachers who tell you to pace and study a little each night. it's all a lie.
as soon as my test was finished and the stress drained out of me i crashed. i went to my next class and dozed and skipped the one after. i told my teacher of the situation and said i'd rather go home and rest than snore and drool all over the tax payers' desks. he was fine with it.
of course though when i went home i felt as though i couldn't sleep. but when i did i got a good 6-7 hours. woke up around 8 or so and began my next round of studying. this was a little less successful however. BUT i'd rather think about my A than my not-so-great study session

another one

2005-11-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

it seems like i can't even get support from my mom now. does nobody think i should be happy? try something new? take a chance? i need to leave here. i'm in a rut and i truly believe maybe if i moved i'd have a chance to be with myself, not with the pressures of what's expected of me, i could be happy. i do nothing for myself these days. i work because my parents won't support me and i go to school because otherwise my parents wouldn't help me with car insurance. i want to leave and focus on work and trying to figure out what industry will be the death of me. it's all kind of pointless right now. as much as i need things to change i guess nothing will assist me. last year when i dreamed of taking a semester off and moving elsewhere me dad seemed to like the idea of me moving abroad to study or just have me-time. my mom said she thinks nothing of this. i told her i don't want to be in school wasting their money when i don't know what my goal is. i need to learn about myself before i define what my career will be. but or course i can't. i'm just a kid. what the fuck do i know about what my wants are. what will please me.

I already have a mom

2005-11-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

I spoke to my general manager today at work. Apparently hawaii isn't available anymore. They have their team. And for the cali store they can get closer stores to contribute employees. She asked why I want to leave and kind of made me feel dumb for wanting to go. I said I knew some people out there. I just needed to decide the when and where. She told me to go stay with my aunt, she didn't understand I don't want to do that. I love my aunt but get annoyed quickly with her. When she comes to town for the holidays she used to try to discipline me when it wasn't her place. I'd feel attacked by her because I already have a middle aged female telling me right from wrong. And then my manager started telling me that's where I needed to be. She will help me get a transfer but in our conversation she made me feel silly for wanting to try something new.
So starting today I'm getting serious. Homework and as much work as possible. Maybe another job for extra income. It will happen. Now especially because I feel like people think I can't make it happen.

#2, fine by me

2005-11-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

i concur elina #1. you were first born and shall sprout gray hairs first so we can rightfully call you #1. all that aside this post is pretty much because of you. i read your comment and it made me think a little. and when i say a little i mean i'll ramble on and on losing sight of my original thought for far longer than necessary and proper.

i'd like to start of with the fact that this blog is for the most part an inaccurate representation of my life as a whole. why?? simple. i have no friends i feel close enough to confide in (i harbor a deep distrust for anyone who knows where i live) so i opt to tell the rest of the world what's on my mind. it's easy to talk about the good things to those you work with and play friendly with. but when you get to something with substance, it's a little more difficult. once someone knows your fears and weaknesses you are instantly vulnerable. i tell people bits and pieces, people i do care for, but those which i rarely make time for (and vice versa), but never anything at length and in detail (which is a shock because i never can say enough it seems, words cannot describe). but at the end of the day once my jokes and silly stories are worn i have a heavy weight of seriousness upon me.
i'm not as dramatic IRL, not nearly as plagued. but when i get home everything sinks in. nothing major changes from day to day as may seem possible with each sun rising. i'm left with my thoughts which ultimately are alone my doing. were we to meet outside on the street you would not know these words to be mine. i'm loud and hyper and a complete extrovert in every sense of the word. i come across energetic and hungry, a bitch sometimes yes, but that comes with the anatomy. it's like the axle of a car. or something to that effect.
as i knew would happen i'm all of the sudden lost. i have everything to say and nothing. so i'll start again.
THESE ARE MY PROBLEMS, FRUSTRATIONS, AND FEARS, NOT MY LIFE.
moving on...

i've been toying with the idea of moving for some time. not just within this city but into a new state entirely. i've always lived in this warm happy little bubble. i lived in the same house until i was 18 and decided i didn't want to answer to my parents and their idea of a curfew. since then i've moved a ridiculous amount of times and currently i resie about 25 miles from my starting point. 40 miles southwest perhaps from the furthest east location i stayed. i'm very confined and very afraid to break out. but right now given the situations in my life i think it's now or never. the longer you sit in a mold, the more difficult and the more fear mounds. this is where i am. terrified. i've never had a significant move in my life (my first was 2-3 miles from my parents' house).
the restaurant i work for is expanding. new stores in california and one in hawaii. they offer good compensation for current employees willing to train a new local staff. room, transportation, food. i talked to my mom for over an hour tonight and she thinks it a good idea i reach for one of those opportunities. at least then i'll have a familiar atmosphere to be around even if faces and places are new.
this means i have big decisions to make. big ones i need to follow through on, not just make up in my mind, never to bring to life. so i must tell joel i'm moving out (his sis may be moving here so that'd be a good reason for me to space). then i need to figure out my school plan. next is my solution for lack of school (insurance through work hopefully). last is mustering up the strength to leave that which is all i know. should i make these hopes come to life i fully believe i'll learn much about myself and the world around me. one can only be trapped so long. it's a big fear of mine and it needs to be put to rest. wish me luck. i need a lot of it.

and elina i believe i have compassion. i do see two sides to every story and i tend to be a little over emotional in response. like i said, this isn't me. it's my problems which you read about. maybe i'll have happy flowery up-beat posts soon. right now the good things don't seem to matter when i sit to write out what bogs me down.

Friend o' plenty

2005-11-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

So last night after I got off work I took myself to the mall and bought a friend. A sidekick if I may. And though such a pricey tag for a phone makes me slightly sick feeling I'm not a proud owner. I am in awe at being able to go read my favorite blogs as I sit in a vhair at work awaiting my lunch. Without my new partner I might have been inclined to get some reading done for my history class. I must finish the novel right away. But I have a new toy. This is just how things work. We buy distractions.
So to all of you whose blogs I frequent...let me just tell you. Keep up, there's a new demand to fill. It's name is elina. Rawr baby.
I'm hoping that now I'll keep up with this thing. There are details I'd like to fill in but somehow they go neglected. So for now...nothing but love sugar

this is now his blog

2005-11-09T23:25:00.000-07:00

it's hard to me to talk about anything other than this depleting relationship. i apologize. maybe sometime soon something else will occupy my mind. for now i'm in limbo. i love him. but as of now i'm not necessarily in love with him. this sounds very cliche i am aware but i cannot think of any other way to word it. i love him and care for him very much. but i'm molding my life around his will. i don't know me right now. i don't know what i'd do without him. and that's a very scary thing. i should rely on him but not be dependent solely on him. i should want him close to me but his presense not be mandatory. i feel like a little child. life without him so blinding and unimaginable. but at the same time it' so tempting. i know if he and i were to call it quits life would go on. there are a few guys i could date, new people to meet. but i'm all too aware right now that were i to be single nobody could fill the standards i have. no i don't mean money or looks or whatever. i need someone whole. i need their complete and undivided attention and love. this sounds very high maintenance of me. but i don't have a lot of trust for people in my generation. we're all very manipulative and ungrateful, we seek things to please ourselves, not things to please our being. i suffer from such flaws, i do not claim otherwise. but i need to be someone's breath of fresh air. that's truly all i've wanted.
from my ex (whom i dated 5 years) i left him for this reason alone. his life wasn't better because of me. he was still an alcoholic running from the pain of childhood betrayal and molestation. i served as no help with dealing and growing. i didn't make him any happier. i feel like if i can make someone happier with themselves i'll, in turn, feel happier with myself. i know it's sick and wrong. i should find that within myself. but just because i know better doesn't change how i feel.
i've come quite a bit off topic. i've never been good with sticking to few words and a narrow topic. i wander and explore. i think it's good but i'm sure i lose 4 out of my 5 readers that way (thank you you sweet, kind, and remaining soul).
i find myself fantisizing quite often about a life different from this one. moving back with my parents, going new places, making new bonds, and perhaps breaking some hearts. i wish i was on the dominating end. i'm an extrovert in the highest degree. and he's brought out the worst in me. self conscious, self loathing, unhappy little sappling. but at the same time i feel like if he weren't around i'd be somehow, less of a person. even less important. like having the attachment of "girlfriend" somehow makes me rank higher in status to those around me. wanted because i'm not currently attainable. this may seem silly, but it's the honest to god truth. after he and i got together all the boys came out to get a piece of me.
people want what people cannot have. we want fortune because it's not something everyone gets. we want fame because only an elite few have it. we want someone because they're unavailable, therefor under demand of another. supply and demand sort of.
my mind is completely jumbled right about now. i don't know what to say because i feel like the things i am feeling haven't been rightly expressed. and i'm wasting my time and yours writing nonsense. another time

10-month what?

2005-11-08T23:24:00.000-07:00

yesterday marked the 10-month for he and i. yes i realize 10 months is no big. people shouldn't count months, it's silly. but we always forget and it's nice to recognize our time. i was hoping we'd have a nice evening together, dinner and perhaps bowling or a movie followed by large amounts of cuddling. i worked out and showered. i was excited we were going out but his enthusiasm was lacking severely. i got out of my shower and he sat somewhat lifeless on the couch staring at the tv. damn whoever thought up tv, it ruins lives. i'll save that rant for another time. i tried to coax him into making plans with me. he seemed uninterested. finally i got a little upset and sat tell me whether i should get dressed and ready or put on pajamas for some fast food cause that's what it's looking like you'd rather do. he kinda laughed at my frustration as though to say, "yes, that's definately the evil spawn of satan sucking out my very will to live." i parked it on the bed and turned on vh1. he came in not too long after and suggested teppen. so said are you SURE?? he said yeah. so i got up and started to primp. i'm sorry if being female means i want to have a special day once and again. pardon my sense of romance...that i believe it should exist.
he looked over showtimes as i got ready and when we left don't think for one second he offered to drive a lady anywhere. he went into the garage and kinda just loitered waiting for me to say, "hey sweetie, don't you worry, i'll be more than happy to drive, it'd really make my day!" i rolled my eyes and took my keys from my purse. after departure he suggested a different restaurant. fine by me! i don't want to wait forever to eat and, in the process, have pieces of peas and/or shrimp flung at me by the teppen master.
we arrived at the elephant bar and took up a booth. during our little visit there he mentioned that i looked cute...i always look cute. i was touched by such a comment and, being burdened with feelings and estrogen, i teared up a little. i didn't make a scene. i just got a couple tears in my eyes because it meant a lot that he took notice that i always try to be pretty around him. i'm not usually like that. i'd rather trot around in track pants and my marines shirt. he kinda laughed at my display of emotion. like it wasn't welcome and i was odd for thinking so much of something so small. when we first started dating he always complimented me. but with time he's gradually stopped. so when he does think to say something nice, i'm moved. i don't see how i am in the wrong here.
after our meal he told me he wasn't interested in a movie. he said he had to wake up at 6:45 for school and didn't want to be out all late. keep in mind the latest movie we'd see was like a 9:30 showing. so we went by blockbuster. i told him i wanted to pick out the movie since i'd watched SAW against my will for him (i loathe scary movies, they stress me out). he retorted with "heaven forbid i watch a scary just once in MY room." low blow jackass. this is our relationship. for the longest time i catered to him and what he wanted to do because it wasn't worth a fuss, i was happy just being around him. and now i want to do things I want to do from time to time. like eat sonic and not drive.
i figured i wasn't going to be able to select a suitable movie and frankly i didn't give a shit anymore. i left and went to the bathroom. we came home with the butterfly effect in hand. i went to HIS bedroom where WE sleep and laid down. he sat in the living room and hung out with our roommate and his friends. i fell asleep around 9 and he didn't come to bed until around 1. how dare he say he didn't want to go to a movie because he needed to wake up early. that's a slap in the face. he didn't even spend time with me. i didn't get a fucking goodnight kiss. i thought you're supposed to show someone you love them on days like this. not blow them off and make them feel so small.
maybe i'm overreacting. but it seems like we're just going to fail. end of story. there's no compromise here. not this time.

the definition of him as he relates to me

2005-11-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

it's occured to me that i haven't fully stated his person. who he is exactly. i just say he this and that. so i'll start from the beginning.
new years eve i pretty much got dumped by this shady little asshole i was dating. he left his friends' apartment where me and my friend were waiting to go party (our boyfriends were best friends). he never came back. and he didn't speak to me for over a week. i was feeling pretty bad about it because whether we had a future or not it never makes someone feel good to be rejected. and he didn't even think i deserved a hear him say it. that's alright, it's his deal. so i was bummed out and wanted to get out of the house and party and go out, re-release myself into the social scene. since i'd been with this guy i'd done the same thing for over 2 months. go sit at his friend's apartment whose couch he slept on and smoke cigarettes and watch next friday.
so january 7th i got ahold of one of my friends who invited to to a going away party she was throwing for another one of our friends. perfect. so i went and tried to get my mind off things and feel normal. sometime during when the party picked up there was a dark haired wonder meandering around the party with his friend. i didn't know how to approach him and didn't think he'd notice me. so it was up to me. eventually it looked as though the duo were leaving. they were on the from lawn saying bye to their friends. so i gulped the rest of the beer in my cup, grabbed a deck of cards and stumbled outside asking random people if they wanted to play a drinking game. and then i told the duo "Hey you, you guys wanna play a drinking game?? Good times!" And they did. We played and the object of my attention talked with me. It was instant. I needed that in my life. So he took down my phone number and eventually left. I asked the girl whose party is was, a friend of his, if she thought he'd call. She said not to count on it. But the next day he did.
He was having a party, he'd just moved home from california less than a week before and wanted people over. He invited me. And just like that it began. I'm not a huge party animal and neither is he but i'm glad i was an alcoholic for a few days otherwise i wouldn't know him.
For the first couple weeks i knew him i lived with my parents, planning on leaving. On a few random occasions he'd ask if he could just stop by and say hello on his way somewhere. should mention that he lives a solid 23 miles from where i was staying. he's come by and chat and lay next to me and never try a thing. Our first kiss came on the third or fourth night after we met. i think it was the best kiss of my life. there was anticipation behind it, only a few days, but when you've wishing for it it's intense. He'd lay and poke at my hips and say look at that, like they were something he'd never seen before. the night after i went to his party was our first real date. outback and blade. he not only picked me up but came in and met my parents. how many 20-year-olds are willing to do that so soon?
so mid-january i got my apartment. the first night i crashed at his place i remember i said i should leave. and he asked me to stay and fall asleep next to him. he wasn't going to do anything, he just wanted to wake up next to me. and that's when i knew i was going to be his putty. he was sincere. and never has a guy made me feel like a person. i'm always an object. after that we began sleeping at each other's everynight. one night at my apartment, one at his house.
so i guess next is valentine's day. i wanted to buy him something and spill my guts on some cheesy card. but i was scared because although i felt we were very close i didn't want to make him uncomfortable. so i did nothing. he bought me a burgundy guess watch, a stuffed dog, and a sweet card i'll never throw away. he told me i was quickly becoming his bestfriend, and he'd never had that in a girlfriend. he signed "love, %%%" one night at applebee's he expressed a want to return to california. he asked if i'd go. i said yes. then he said i should move in. yes, yes! less driving (he still lived about 15 miles from my apartment). but nothing happened for awhile.
during the next few weeks i was a wreck. i realize that i wasn't going to be falling in love with him, it'd already happened. and i'm not good at keeping things to myself (this post is no exception). i went crazy with it. one night in march he came over and i sat him down with tears in my eyes and told him i had something to tell him but it was hard...i didn't want it to change anything. it took well over and hour and a lot of tears. i had to tell him but i didn't want him to freak and leave. and i knew i had to then because otherwise he'd think i'd cheated on him like all his other girlfriends. so i told him. and i had to whisper in his ear like 3 times before he heard. his reaction? "i love you too, now what's wrong?" that was it. and less than a week later i was moving in.
two short months of dating and i was a live-in. things started better than expected. we shared a room so i just crammed my clothes and laptop and a few other essentials into my side of the closet (thank god a walk-in). we live in a 3 bedroom house with already all rooms occupied. i didn't really think out where my furniture and things would go.

as much as i'd like to finish this little "story of us" my thoughts are scattered and i cannot decide what to include and what's unimportant. i will finish this by the end of the week-end. i've been very unhappy/ungrateful for everything this person gives me. and the more i think about the past and how things started off the more i realize he really is a wonderful, sweet, and unselfish guy. i'm such a lucky girl to have him care so much. and to let me care so much. we're to the point in the relationship where we are a little stagnant. we need to fall in love again. having love and feeling love are different. i remember when we'd hold me as i fell asleep at night. he'd watch me fall asleep. and i'd get tears in my eyes when i told him i loved him. those words were so powerful. i know we'll get there again. maybe there really is truth in "i love you, but i'm not IN love with you." it's called getting used to someone. i need to shake things up. victoria secret and a 12-pack of michelob?? :)

any ideas? and don't say it hasn't happened to you!

birthdays and then some

2005-11-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

monday my family and i went tot he olive garden to celebrate my dad's aging. we're fancy like that... my poor dad was still sick though. he looked as though he'd rather be sleeping or anywhere but in that damn booth.
there's nothing of real interest in this dinner save for one hunting story. supposedly my dad went bird hunting not too long ago and took the dogs with him. he aimed his gun to a tree and BANG!- off go the pups. My dad was surprised though when each dog came back with a mouthful. The old faithful one brought the bird. And the stupid little other shit brought back a squirrel. Figure that one out. Fun though!
i feel compelled to include the fact that he declined his invitation to dinner. i was furious. i'm catering to him and he won't even come say happy birthday to my old man.
the sister arrived yesterday. and somehow he has come around. i decided that if he didn't recognize how helpful i'm trying to be i'd be done. i can only be ignored and looked-over so much. but yesterday he said thank you. and he said his dad will refund partial rent for however long she's here. and he'll help with our groceries. maybe i am loved. sometimes

girl night

2005-10-31T23:02:00.000-07:00

he refuses to give me attention. if i go out to the family room to give him kisses he won't break his attention to the tube. i'm an annoyance. and we have people over. people meaning guys. meaning they sit and play video games and talk about football. and i play on the internet and watch tv.
so i rented the sisterhood of the traveling pants or whatever. and bought cotton candy. and i'm drinking minute maid pink lemonade out of those capri sun type bags. and aim deleted my buddylist..or misplaced it for now. so i blog. and eat. and drink. and watch a chick flick. all i need are fuzzy slippers and a tin of old valentine's chocolate and some wine. too bad i hate wine. it's so glamerous.

momma knows best, happy b-day dad

2005-10-31T20:25:00.000-07:00

last night i was a little distracted by all the things on my mind. so i took a nap. when i woke up i went to the store to get halloween candy and on my way i called my mom. this never works. one cannot shop and talk to a mom at once. i ended up staring at cereal boxes for about 10 minutes and then not picking any out.
she said i shouldn't have offered my room. the guys should share a room because girls need more space and privacy. she doesn't understand i sleep in his room. so i told her the other guy's g/f always sleeps over (a slight exaggeration). she said it was his family so i shouldn't be put out for an unknown amount of time. i explained i wouldn't mind if we knew a timeframe but we don't and he doesn't seem to care to take initiative and find out. he is the head of the house after all so he should take care of such matters. i don't have her phone number anyways.
mom also suggested that i say it's okay for her to crash in my room for ___ days. any more would mean she can camp on the couch or find another place. i hate to sound like a bitch though. it is their family's house, not mine. but it's my rent. i said any more than a week and i'll ask for a partial refund on rent.
then she dropped a bomb. move out. get a place of your own. i've had apartments before but the difference is that she suggested a studio. brilliant! i could get one inbetween my school and work and him. were i to move home i'd be 30 miles from him. i'd rather be about 5-8. we'd be close but not too. the thing is now that even studios are relatively expensive and without a roommate to split cable, internet, and other utilities with, it could get mighty pricey. so now i have to mull it over and find out what I want.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY. YOU'RE SICK, BACK EARLY FROM A HUNTING TRIP (BECAUSE OF SAID SICKNESS), AND HAD TO PLAY CATCH UP AT THE OFFICE. I LOVE YOU THE SAME AND I WISH I COULD HAVE SEEN YOU.

hotel d'elina

2005-10-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

so apparently his sister is flying into town wednesday from MO. i guess he's known for about two weeks yet he waited until friday to share this information with me. i have no problems with his sister so let that be known. what makes me a little upset though is that she will be staying in MY room. i guess this was just something that he saw as an unspoken given. that's fine. i can move a couple of days worth of clothes into his closet so she can have some privacy. she's about 19 with no job, no school, and a bunch of troubles. i think being here could be good for her.
i asked him how long she'd be staying for. and this really gets me. he doesn't know. she doesn't know. no return flight plane ticket has been reserved. which means i get to pay rent. and i don't have my room...for an indefinite amount of time. i'm a ~~little~~ lot hesitant about this. should i relax, is this unreasonable? i just really value my space. and after sharing a room with him for 7 months i'm not quick to be crammed back into a few square feet of his closet where there's no ME around...
i think during the whole time she's here i can't go into me room. she's a lot like he is. private, quiet, hard to approach. i don't want to be unwelcoming but it's not like she's even going to talk to me or say thanks. in july he and i flew to MO and it seemed like she did her best to make herself scarce. this makes me someone weary of someone. because i'm open and friendly. people who slouch away seem, to me, like they're hiding something.

restaurant do's and do not's

2005-10-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

i work at a restaurant. i make $2.15 an hour plus 15% of my sales (if people have common restaurant etiquette). mondays are slow enough. i have homeowkr and a test to study for. i don't need to be working. BUT if i am i may as well get tables and make a little cash.
hosting is not difficult so i'll break it down. tonight we had 5 servers on. each server has a section therefor there were 5 sections in need of tables tonight. the host stand has a straight-forward grid for rotation. along the top run the number 1-9 (the 6-9 were crossed out tonight). there are no y-axis labels. as parties come in and a section gets sat (starting at 1 and going on from there) hosts place an "x" in the corresponding box. it's not that hard.
hosts at our restaurant, however, are completely...brain-dead. my section got skipped 3, yes 3, times. mondays are slow enough. i don't need one table per hour. and most guests don't know how to tip (at least 15% out of common courtesy) so i made about $15.00 for the 3 hours i was there. oh yes, plus $2.15 an hour. i finally cut myself. why stay if i'm not even going to get tables?! i'm so annoyed with this. servers generally don't work long hours and make shit money hourly. we rely on healthy tips for survival. i should now mention i have about $70 in savings and $80 in checking. this. fucking. sucks.
damn those hosts who are still in high school and have no experience in paying their own bills. the manager didn't even do anything. sorry's are nice but that doesn't DO anything

a halloween party!

2005-10-23T21:05:00.000-07:00

last night i went to my friends'/coworkers' halloween/b-day bash. a brother and sister i work with are haveing b-days. one on sunday and one on halloween. so they had a party early. a costume party (oooh!) i'm not going to get into detail as to what i dressed up as because only a handful of people understand. i got to the party and freaked a bunch of people out. i was thoroughly amused that most people didn't know who i was. i'd stand on a chair and talk to people. they'd badger me for a hint as to who i was. i'd say no and get off the chair. and then they'd know who i am. my shortness gives me away everytime.
i drank, i socialized, i took pictures...with the guy who dressed up as uh..a penis. yeah i guess i was pretty entertained by the big inflated version of some male flesh. i think everyone was though because he was the most-photographed person there. mister popular. maybe next week at his party i'll paint my face pink and wrap myself up in a taco and call him my date.
i partied and danced and got crunk mister kline. but then around 2:30 i became aware of the time. and suddenly i wanted to leave. my boy had to wake up at 8 and i at 10. but there was no way i could drive and i DIDN'T want to crash there. i felt like he'd get mad and i didn't belong on someone's couch anyways.
i called and woke up sleeping beauty and since i was upset and drunk the tears came. i got off the couch i was sitting on and walked out to my car. some people half-heartedly tried to make sure i wasn't going to drive, i don't think they would have tackled me down and taken my keys. after i'd gotten outside and off the phone nick, a resident of the house and a co-worker, came out and said i could NOT drive. i told him i was going to wait for my ride in my car. he made me redial my DD and he gave him directions. thanks nick. i went to my car and the birthday somehow found me out there. he talked with me for awhile. then i told him i just wanted to sit down. he said he'd leave only if i lock myself in my car until my ride arrived. i did.
i sat down and put my phone next to my head and passed out. when he neared he called and i answered. he parked behind me and i left my car. he asked if i had my keys and i said yes. HELLO I'M DRUNK I HAVE NO IDEA. i got in his car and we drove home. i should have peed first because although i should remember nothing whatsoever from the carride i remember feeling like my bladder was going to drping a leak. it hurt! we got home i (assume) i peed and passed out. not before opening an otter pop though. i woke up to him taking the melted pop out of my handin the morning. i spilled some on the bed (shh) but some remained in the plastic. i got skill!
so he had to wake up EXTRA early to take me back to my car (20 minutes away). he asked me to get ready and get my keys. oh no!- my keys aren't here. i called AAA and the place where the party was to get the address so i could have the AAA truck meet me there. i got dropped off and sat my miserable ass on the curb. they said it could be up to 90 friggen minutes. i'm sorry but NO, that just will not do. i sat in the sun and got hot and annoyed with a couple ants invading my feet. so i crossed the street and sat in the shade and was cold. so across the street to and fro i went. and my hero arrived! it took him about 3 minutes to get into my car and i was off! i came home and fell back asleep.
i rolled out of bed about 15 minutes before i had to leave for work. but i couldn't stand up. i was dehydrated, hungry, and shaky. SHIT. i showed up 20 minutes late (i was scheduled 15 minutes before i thought i had to be there) and until i got really busy i was miserable. i'd stand and get dizzy. but the lunch shift picked up and i forgot all about it. AHHHH.

an ex encounter

2005-10-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

i went to work, came home, did the work out thing (i bought a membership yesterday!) and planned my evening. he had to work until about eleven or midnight so i figured i'd waste time. i've been in touch with my ex of five years. we've been meaning to get together for lunch and catch up. he's busy though. so we decided on tonight, a casual dinner. he chose p.f. chang's. i thought it was because it was the middle meeting ground. he and i live far from each other so we sought out a place inbetween we could be happy with. i arrived before he did and sat on a cement bench listening to foo fighters "the best of you".
my pager buzzed shortly after i put my name on the wait list. i went inside, told them my other party hadn't arrived and that i'd just wait. soon enough he walked in the door and we were seated. we ordered drinks and when the server asked about an appetizer the ex said something about lettuce wraps. he remembered i loved the lettuce wraps. so we ordered them. then it hit me. he came here, not because he liked it, but because he knew i did. i wasn't sure whether to feel uneasy about the kind gesture or appreciative that i didn't have to go eat sushi like he used to make me do. so we ate and chatted. and we never got around to eating a main meal. i guess after i found out he wasn't going to eat something i felt bad. it's weird. when we were together we had NO reservations. and now we're playing nice. but it wasn't the akward nice either.
it was almost spooky how OK everything was. before he'd arrived i had butterflies in my stomache and i felt a panic attack coming on. i knew i had to get through it. and i did. i felt bad for the server so we paid out and when he finished his beer we went outside. we sat on cement benches, smoked a cigarette, and chatted. i felt a little weird at that moment because, after 2 years of limited communication, we were already running out of safe topics. he suggested a little walk down to the nearby man-made lake. it was right down the street. it's next to the university so the street that runs along it is always bustling, especially on the week-end. little shops and restaurants litter the way so we wandered in the direction of imported fish in a big hole in the earth.
there's a park along the lake and we walked through it. made fun of the ginormous trash cans. said they had homeless people orgies in there every so often.
we came to a dead end of the path and sat about 5 feet from the water. we talked and talked and talked. anything from issues now with me and school to his work and new apartment to old friends who've died and our old relationship. he didn't do anything to make me uncomfortable and this is most unexpected. last time i saw him was a year ago. and he was shoving his grandfather's ring in my hand telling me things i no longer wanted. all this occured at work. i never thought being around him could seem so...easy again.
anyways around 10:30 he brought the time to my attention. we walked back up the street to the parking structure and said good-bye.
tonight was amazing. i feel good instead of stressed. it's crazy to take a step back and look at him as something beyond an ex. he was the one who gave me many firsts. he ruined me and he made me. he could be my only dream or my only fear. i have seen him in many ways and tonight i saw a new side....a friend. a person, not a label that holds negative memories.

Sudoku

2005-10-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

I first spotted Sudoku in Barnes&Noble. I was lingering, looking for an excuse to not leave. I always browse the tables and mini-books in front of the registers. There were about a dozen different books in the topic. I browsed over the pages but figured I'd skip it, I'd read online about it and then decide whether it deserved my 9.99. I've come across is a few times and not until i found this did I want to learn. I couldn't figure it out. So I went to sudoku.com and downloaded their free trial.
So I just finished my first trendy puzzle in 8 minutes and 40 seconds. I kinda cheated. I shows the number in gray, not red, if it's position is correct. But I think I understand now. MWAHAHA
New obsession here I come

Irate Pt. II

2005-10-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

Ok so this is a continuation of my post from a few days ago. I went today to talk to a transfer advisor. I whined to her that I was two credit hours short of graduation and brought along a checksheet the previous advisor (the the early summer) had given me showing the classes I needed to take. Apparently I wans't just 2 credit hours shy I'm 5. She explained to me that the online class had already been accounted for in my grad check (which I don't understand b/c it's from another college). My 5 credit hour problem??? A summer school math class I was advised to take. It's a prerequisite for the class I'm in now. It counts to get me into the class needed for my AA however it doesn't transfer to two of the three in-state universitied. It does count for my university of choice but since it isn't recognized by all three, it doesn't count. WHAT THE FUCK.
Here's the super-good news. I can go to the university next semester AND I can still get an AA as opposed to just a certificate showing I'd completed 35 hours of core classes. The 5 hours I'm lacking is in the "take-whatever-the-hell-you-want" category. So this winter I'm receiving a certificate. I will then go to the university and at the end of the spring semester I can transfer 5 credit hours back to the community college making me eligible for that damned associates while those same classes also count for my Bachelors. I will have my certificate though I would rather have my associates. But that will come and everything should be fine. If I wa missing a core class though that'd be a different story. So hurray for the brunette advisor, you may keep you hair intact..at least until someone else gets fucked over and it's NOT fixable.

Oh and I decided to sign up for a gym today. I figure it's time. If I'm ever going to get where I want I need to start by taking the first steps so I feel like I can accomplish something. Even if it's just great abs. Maybe I'll get around to finally doing the other, less easy things, that are nagging at me. Like growing some balls and doing what's right for me, not what's nice for everyone else.

everything comes full circle

2005-10-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past 4 years rebuilding myself to hide from a sad truth. I broke myself, gave up. And somehow after that I decided I could try to move on. I turned 16 with nothing sweet about it. At 17 i graduated. Right before my freshman year in college I turned 18. That october I moved out. I got a boyfriend and a dog. Infatuation ran my life and ran school out of the picture. He hit me.
I turned my cheek to the incident and in January he was in a near-fatal accident. He was air-vac'd and spend over a week in the hospital. I pushed aside more school and two jobs to be near him as much as possible. I overlooked my phobias because it's what a girlfriend should do. I saw him early the morning of the accident. I stayed and slept there. I left for food, showers, and to find word game books to play. I watched the nurses give him bags of blood because he suffered a great loss of his own. They did skin grafting and I help his hand after, when his face was red, bloody, and bruised. I dealt with the sterile, scary rooms and the odor of death. He went home at the end of January so his family could nurse him.
For Valentine's day I went and got drunk with my friends because my love wasn't there. That night I was raped. After it happened I found myself in my pink A&F tee outside in the cold without my truck and a near-dead phone. I called the only person within close proximity. He picked me up, sheltered me, talked to me, and then tried to take asvantage of me. Aww baby I'm not him, give me a kiss. Here, we'll watch the Munsters and I'll introduce you to nose candy. I didn't come off of a high for over a week. I did anything I could find. Alcohol, herb, shrooms, and I walked that thin white line. It tore me up and I quit. I quit my job and lost my boyfriend. He knew something was up even from far away. Somehow damaged goods was in my voice.
After that I reunited with a friend. She got kicked out of her house. I took her in and, since my apt wouldn't fit a 4th person in, I moved out with her. I paid, I loved, I cared. She judged me for my past though she was the one who whored herself around. She was a whore, but she was a tease too. It's all in the attitude. She dsrespected me and slept with my close friend, a guy who I liked/liked me.
In January I was molested my my former best friend. He was the one I had an apt with before. He was my roommate because he wanted to protect me after I was raped.
There are other details, I'm numb to it now. But I've come along way. I've run and pretended. Maybe I have come as far as I thought. Because it's all falling down on me now.
This is the past, it's not supposed to ruin my life now. I'm doing better in school, my parents not only love me now but they like me too, I have a boyfriend whom I want to spend my life with...I have a job and a new car...but that doesn't allow you to escape.
I'll finish later. It's too much.

Do people see how you treat others?

2005-10-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

My co-workers sure do.
I'm loved and hated at work. Some people say nothing but sweet things and others whisper behind my back. One girl even admitted that, before she knew me, she hated me and wanted to strangle me. But she doesn't hate me anymore. She admitted this to me after, during an 11-straight hour workday, I offered to stay even longer and close for her because she was having personal issues. I felt for her because of the topic. I didn't want to stay but I remember not too long ago being in her shoes and needing someone to help. So I did what I could. Since then she's been "opening up" to me and I want to hurt her. The other day i stood at the host stand a few minutes and said I want to do this but I'm lazy. She replied with, "so I've heard.." What the hell does that mean? She went on to tell me that two other employees complained about me not doing enough. Sorry, when I broke my back doing everyone's work nobody noticed. So I quit doing every little thing. I don't know how she thought that was an OK thing to say to me. It's like telling someone, "I'm sorry your cat died, but he was a stupid motherfucker anyway." It's just not something you do. And then a few days later she admitted she had hated me before. So lately I've felt a little self-conscious at work. She made me uncomfortable like I was the big enemy of those I work with. She a whiny, angry little 17-year-old anyways. People were surprised when I said I thought she was cool (temporarily).
I don't know how, but this leads me to yesterday. My manager went ballistic on me during the a.m. shift. The soda fountain had just gotten screwed up. It sprayed syrup only. I'd gone to a station and tried all the sodas (every now and then it'll just be one soda, not all of them and we simply have to switch the bag out). This guy, James, came back to the line and I told him I hoped he wasn't planning on getting refills because the soda was out, only the fruit punch and sprite worked. He got upset because he had a 25-top and needed several fresh drinks. I told him I didn't think ALL of them were screwed up. So I checked my briefly pressing the fruit punch button. And then the sprite and coke. Then my manager started screaming at me for doing so. He completely humiliated me in front of about 8 co-workers. I was double-checking the status of the soda and get yelled at for it. Does this make sense? What I find funny is that the other manager had, about 5 minutes earlier, pressed each button for about 45 seconds trying to see if that'd somehow magically fix the problem...it didn't. Because if doing that I guess the drain got backed up and syrup splashed everywhere. This is why I got yelled at. Because I was only contributing to the problem. Nice how I didn't even know.
He targeted me for his anger a few more times that day, but that's what everyone had seen.
When I got out of class today I went by work to eat. Eric approached me and asked how I was. Said he was sorry the manager was such a prick yesterday, he'd heard all about it. This got my attention, I wanted to know who relayed yesterday's events to him. So I started asking and finally I asked the bartender. She said she had told him what happened and got slightly nervous about it, she made sure to stress that I hadn't done anything wrong. I know I didn't. She probably thinks I'm mad about her talking about it. I'm not. I'm happy someone noticed and found it important enough to vent to someone else about.
I am afraid to talk to the GM about the situations yesterday. I do have a mouth on me and I know I've said dumb things before. I'm not saying this is okay, a manager needs to lead by example and should never humiliate an employee. I feel that if I address what happened they'll tell me "It's not like you've never been mean and nasty to someone." So I'm hoping the bartender, who is a trainer therefor the managers listen to her opinions, will bring it up to the GM. I don't expect any outcome other than my GM to know what happened.
I'm glad that someone saw and understands how I felt. She said she felt bad for me because I didn't deserve to be singled out several times yesterday to be yelled at.
What I find especially funny about this situation is that this manager is the same one that just FUCKED me out of the store camping trip. Most everyone signed up to go, including me. I spoke to him and another manager on several occasions about the plans for the week-end. Friday night I was to go to a concert, Saturday I wanted to go to the lake with everyone all day, and that night I was supposed to go out of town for another concert. I told him I'd work Sunday. He said ok fine. Since not everyone could go on the trip managers put names in a hat to decide who'd stay. These were people with the fewest hours over the past year or those who quit and then came back. I figured I'd be in the hat because I didn't work a ton when i had a second job. I was scheduled for a double for Saturday and when I asked my GM if I had really bad hat-grawing luck she said no. My name wasn't drawn because the hat was for people who'd requested off. I didn't. AREYOUFREAKINGKIDDINGMERIGHTNOW?? The jerkoff had told her that I didn't ask to go or request it off. Like those 3 conversations never happened.
So in the past week not only has he lied about me, ruined my camping trip, and been himself (twat), he chose to humiliate me. He knew I was upset about whatd happened and instead of say "I'm sorry, people are people and we all fuck up," he just picks on me.
I'm fully aware none of this is to make sense to readers...no names, etc. But I needed to write these things out.

Irate

2005-10-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely irate right now. Here's some background. I graduated HS in May of 2003. I attended a local CC that fall and spring and pretty much stopped going. I left with very few credits. I then switched to a different, closer CC. I've been going there since trying to make up for lost time. I don't want to be on the 6 year plan for a 4 year degree.
So this spring I think I took about 12-14 credit hours. Then I sought out an advisor to see if there was hope in graduating in December. She gave me a paper and wrote down everything I lacked. So I took 2 summer classes, first session, math and communication. I was then told if I enrolled in 16 credit hours in the fall I would walk, as long as I passed all the classes. So I did. And I applied to the nearby university last week. And I applied for graduation today. They called me tonight and said I wasn't eligible for the AA, only some stupid education certificate. She said I needed 18 credits. I told her of the classes I am in (one of which is online through a different CC) Still, I am 2 shy. Because some advisor didn't do their job right. I've worked my ass off just to have my light taken away. I'm hoping I can take another accelerated online course but unless it's a computer course I have no hope of finishing in time.
Eat my ass scumbag? Does that do my anger justice? Hardly.
I have an appointment Thursday to talk to another advisor. Should I trust them now or just give up and drop out?

Einstein sucks

2005-10-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

So I got cleaned up, gathered my history book and noted to study, and headed to get a bagel. I ordered their SponteneiTea and a regular bagel toasted with strawberry shmear. I sweetened my tea and sat in the corner. Upon calling my name I got my food and started ripping it apart in sections. I stick a piece in my mouth and I can't even describe how it tasted. Nasty comes close. They didn't put strawberry on it. They used roasted tomato. Never having tried the strawberry before I disregarded the funny color and took that first bite. And I still can't rid my tongue of the after-taste.
I thought about talking to a manager and requesting MY order or scraping off the tomato shmear. But instead I sat and drank my tea read a few pages of my book and then threw the rest of the bagel away and left. I came home and went to their site to make sure it really was tomato and no some nasty low-fat strawberry. But low and behold they serve tomato (WHY?!!?). So I got the store phone number and called...4 times. Each time it rang far longer than it should have needed to. All 4 times I got upset and hung up. So I was forced to be an angry e-mailer. I left them feedback about a. the fuck-up and b. how baffled I am they list a store phone number when nobody answers...on more than one occasion. So my mouth feels semi-swollen and itchy. I hate tomato. And I'm still hungry but I feel mildy sick as well. I knew having most of the day to myself wouldn't turn out as planned.
At least I got dog food crossed off my list. That's about it. I need a tongue scraper.

my morning

2005-10-16T11:57:00.000-07:00

so i took my time getting out of bed today. i woke up as he kissed me good-bye on his way to work but i get the morning and afternoon to myself. i've been wanting a day off and now that i have it i don't really know what to do. i should be jumping on my to-do list that now runs my life or study for class but i want to do something for me...that isn't boring or costly. so i woke up threw on my bathrobe and got online. checked out my daily readings to see if they're keeping up with my demand of daily posts and paid a credit card bill...now i'm trying to decide whether or not i want to lay back in bed and watch umpteem hours of tv or get up and shower, drive to einstein's for breakfast (bagel and and ibc), and read a good book. maybe i will work on my online flash class and get something done. or start a new layout for my first freelance project. thinking of my options condemns me to my list. i need to be organised and accomplish something today. i've had my whole week-end to enjoy so Sundays are lazy days and catch-up days. so out comes the list

work on construction project due for anthropology tuesday.
study for unit test in history on tuesday (gasp)
gather old textbooks to sell
sign off my lease for my roommate (stupid girl)
work on my book
wash my car
call my mom (KC tickets, sewing machine, etc)
take old furniture to mom's
buy dogfood
find a book for the history book review

now that i see my list (incomplete) i feel slightly sick. i don't think i'm meant to have an ideal day where i can sit on a patio eat, read, and people watch. i'm still going to try. and i think i'll take my camera.

that's a great question

2005-10-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

i'm glad you asked that.
can i run for office now? i know all i need...

halloween costume

2005-10-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

i'm going to tape packets of equal to my left hand. and a bag of peas on my right. when people ask what i am i'll say read left to right. :D

crayola

2005-10-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

first i'd like to thank heather of dooce for my crayon research. she made this post regarding the ways she and Jon say the word. since then my 48 and 96 count sets have been appearing in my everyday life. so i logon and search for crayola via google. results?

I pronounce crayon lie "cran" and in cran-berry. not crOWn or cray-on. thanks.
Favorite names: Pig Pink, Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown, Vivid Tangerine, Unmellow Yellow, Asparagus, Inch Worm
Least favorite: Flesh
Super-fun color facts: "Indian Red is renamed Chestnut in 1999 in response to educators who felt some children wrongly perceived the crayon color was intended to represent the skin color of Native Americans."; Flesh changed to "peach" in 1962, partially as a result of the U. S. Civil Rights Movement.; Prussian Blue to "midnight blue" in 1958 in response to teachers’ requests
Etc: Crayola introduced 8 basic colors over 100 years ago; Since then they've introduced over 400 colors and produced even more names (name changes such as that of above listed and name changes of the flourescent "ultra____" crayons
"Cran" stats: mango tango is ranked 123 out of 124 in popularity. such a waste of a good name. in 2000 nobody voted for it as their favorite color.; white was ranked 103; magic mint, ranked 76, may cause constipation; timberwolf, ranked 102, requires parental supervision; shocking pink, 98, and electric lime, 31, are to blame for 43 hospital visits.; bush is currently requesting a $40 million investigation of atomic tangerine, 46.

more later?

little organising projects

2005-10-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

go through all those old issues of oprah mag, self, and muscle & fitness women and tear out the articles i want. stick them in a binder and trash the other 95% of content which i could use as a tissue.

buy drapes for my cave. light shall not enter through any window of mine.

try on EVERYTHING i own and donate/trash anything that i really won't wear.

sell old textbooks and buy some shoes with the money

postcards

2005-10-13T14:22:00.000-07:00

I want to make postcards. They're fun, cheap, and everyone likes getting one. So I want to have some made. The question is though, what do I want them to look like. I can have simply a profanity written on them or a joke, quote, picture, puzzle, whatever. Right now I'm thinking of one of those uber-trendy Sudoku things and random scribbles. If you could design your own little silly postcard what would you put on it?

on a sticky note

2005-10-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

i make to-do lists. on pads of blue or yellow lined post-it notes. i have usually about 4 or 5 seperate sheets of shit to do at any given time. a lot, not all, but a lot are little projects i want to do. so i'm doing this bloggy thing to organize the things i want to do and then maybe i'll take pictures or whatever. there's a bunch of project sites out there and i always want to use their ideas. and i Ctrl+D my way to confusion. i am too stubborn to go back to 34,958,701,345 websites of ideas. so i'll copy and paste the ideas and have everything in one place.

a little something

2005-10-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

there's not much to say about me. i do school and work. i used to dance. i board during season and slack off the rest of the time. i dream big but somehow i never change anything in my life to get what i want.

i like to read and watch good movies. my dog is my baby and words are my passion. i self-taught myself html in 9th grade. after graduation when i entered "the real world" of college life and multiple jobs i stopped tinkering around so much. i've had 3 domains all of which no longer exist. this is my attempt to start something again. brush up on this and that and eventually i'll be back in the game full swing.

i have a boyfriend whom i love but at 20 i feel like i have a husband. i sacrificed what be needed to get what i wanted. you have to give to get and he's the greatest example of that.

i'm not different than most others. everyone has a story so the details don't necessarily matter, everyone deserves respect. i'm loud but small, this makes me somehow intimidating to some people. i'm not a mean person but i'm not afraid to be cruel when i feel cornered. lately i've had nervous tendencies and it's not difficult for me to feel out of place and stare at my shoes.

bios are never easy to write because if you write too little people thing you're reserved or unwilling to show humanness. if you write 10 pages you can come across and self-absorbed. i'm not introverted and i'm not stuck on myself. i do like writing these things though because i feel like it helps me understand and uncomplicate myself. if this is weird that's ok.